July 15, 2008

And you thought your day was crappy

Posted in Offbeat tagged , , , , at 10:36 pm by Katharine Lackey

In what has to be the funniest story I’ve read in quite some time, Penn State’s student newspaper, The Daily Collegian, reports, “One crappy day: Local man irked by toilet explosion.”(Being a college newspaper, The Daily Collegian is able to use words other newspapers would cringe at throughout the story, making the article all the more entertaining.)

The story gets my attention from the start because of its double-meaning headline “crappy” — love it.

The lead is also first-rate, again not something you would ever find in a professional paper.

John O’Brien began his day yesterday with his pants around his ankles, scrambling for cover as a fountain of sewer water and waste erupted into his bathroom.

“I was doing my business, sitting on my toilet, and the toilet blew sewer water into my butt,” he said.

The State College resident started his day the way he always does. He woke up, drank a cup of coffee, grabbed a book and relaxed on his porcelain throne — “The toilet is where a man does his best thinking,” O’Brien said.

So the toilet explodes and O’Brien goes running for the shower, only to find feces is also spewing from its orifices.

The man even remarks that there was no way he could have been behind the spill.

The floor and toilet was covered in much more fecal matter than he could have created on his own, and five to 10 gallons of water, he said.

“The poo was more than I would produce,” he said.

Apparently, this man is also a father and is glad it was him on the toilet instead of his daughters.

“They have open areas that can get infected easily. I would never want this to happen to my girls,” he said.

And, finally, the last remarkable quote in the article:

O’Brien said the eruption reminded him of a French bidet, a plumbing fixture meant to replace toilet paper that shoots water at its users.

“I don’t think they meant for that though,” he said.

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